‘Honour your father and your mother…’ (Exodus 20:12)
In many Asian cultures, children are conditioned, before we even have the ability to reason, to behave in such a way so as to honor our parents and not bring dishonor to the family and ancestors. Children are told that family is the most important unit in our world. Children are told, especially first-generation immigrants, that our parents sacrificed so that we could have a better life.
This concept of upholding the image of family and honoring our parents is known as filial piety. Filial piety “means to be good to one’s parents; to take care of one’s parents; to engage in good conduct not just towards parents but also outside the home so as to bring a good name to one’s parents and ancestors; to show love, respect and support; display courtesy; to ensure male heirs, uphold fraternity among brothers; wisely advise one’s parents, including dissuading them from moral unrighteousness; display sorrow for their sickness and death; to bury them and carry out sacrifices after their death.”
However, one of the many problems with filial piety, especially adherence to it in a modern world, is that it has been connected to “orientation to the past, resistance to cognitive change, superstition and fatalism; dogmatism, authoritarianism and conformism, as well as a belief in the superiority of one’s culture; and lack of active, critical and creative learning attitudes.” In fact, under filial piety, we are taught that obedience to our parents must be unconditional, even at the sake of our own mental health.
But, what if our parents aren’t deserving of unequivocal honor and respect? What if they have abused us and called it “discipline?” What if they rarely reciprocate respect and honor us? What if they sacrificed so that THEY could have better lives and our lives were merely collateral? What if they remind us of the journey to America as a way to guilt and shame us? What if one of our parents is actively abusing us physically, emotionally, or sexually? What if one of our parents is a narcissist? What if one of our parents is an addict and never teaches us healthy coping mechanisms? If that’s the case, filial piety’s rigidity can be dangerous and even deadly.
The danger of strict adherence to filial piety is that the children raised under it are not prepared to understand their own mental health or recognize when they have been raised by toxic parents or in a toxic family system. Consequently, many first-generation Asian-Americans have remained in toxic family systems to the detriment of their mental health; at a time when estrangement within and amongst family members appears to be at its highest-it is estimated that 67 million people in the country are actively estranged from a family member. This number is perhaps even higher if we include children who are frustrated with and alienated from their parents but, who tenuously remain within the family system out of a sense of filial obligation.
More specifically, “as studies on parental estrangement have grown rapidly in the past decade, perhaps reflecting the increasing number of families who are affected,” we are learning that more families than estimated above-and likely many first-generation Asian American families-are dealing with what I would call “passive estrangement.” What is passive estrangement? I define passive estrangement as a child who rarely interacts with his or her parents (aside from holidays and birthdays) and maintains the relationship out of a sense of obligation, guilt, or shame. A recent survey of mothers from 65 to 75 years old with at least two living adult children found that about 11 percent were estranged from a child and 62 percent reported contact less than once a month with at least one child.” (emphasis added) Thus, we can extrapolate that a large number of first-generation Asian American adult children, like myself, are passively estranged from one of their parents.
The exact number of Asian-American adult children passively estranged from their parents is unknown, but we do know that data suggests that “levels of support between adolescents and their parents are significantly lower in Chinese American families than in Black and Latino families” and that frustration from Asian American adolescents is most obviously revealed when they compared their parents to their image of American parents. The consequence of this lack of support was that “Chinese American adolescents reported significantly lower levels of psychological adjustment, and significantly less family cohesion and more conflict than their European American peers.”
These adolescents grow up to become adults without the necessary tools to navigate many important relationships in their lives. Thus, the result of generations of parenting by filial piety is that Chinese-Americans and other Asian-Americans raised under filial piety norms are ill-equipped to deal with mental health issues in their lives and actually have weaker family bonds as they progress through life. It is no surprise then that “Asian-Americans are the least likely racial group to take actions on their mental health.” (Mental Health America). As I have written before, Asian-Americans are three times less likely than white Americans to seek mental health services. Asian-American college students are more likely than white students to have thought about and attempted suicide. Unsurprisingly, binge drinking and drug use are more frequent among Asian-Americans with untreated mental health issues.
In my own life, after I moved to Chicago at the age of 23, I was passively estranged from my father. We rarely, if ever, talked on the phone. Our text interactions were sparse and centered around birthdays and holidays and amounted to nothing more than obligatory greetings. In other words, we had contact less than once a month and were not active participants in each other’s lives. And despite all of this, his presence loomed large in my life because he and my mother had conditioned me to uphold the honor of my family and to honor them, specifically.
When my father passed away in February 2019, I wrote the obituary. It included none of the abuse I experienced at his hands, his addiction, or his rigid and distorted worldview. This was because I was burdened by filial piety. It wasn’t until I began therapy that I was able to address and understand my father’s impact on my mental health and the many destructive behaviors that I had engaged in for decades.
And, it wasn’t until I was deeply enmeshed in the process of therapy that I was able to articulate that I was raised in a toxic family system to the detriment of my mental health. This toxic family system had reared its ugly head at major parts of my life, like my wedding, and during times of crisis. I had passively removed myself from my family system but was obviously pulled back in by the death of my father and the birth of my son. Had I not decided to unshackle my brain from the chains of filial piety, my mental health and happiness would not be where they are today.
If you were raised under filial piety, don’t be afraid to seek therapy. It was the best decision of my life. Don't be afraid to call out the toxic behaviors of your family members and parents. Don’t be afraid to end the toxic and unhealthy relationships in your lives, even if they are with your parents. Your children will benefit from your attempt to end the cycle of toxicity. Because, the problem with parenting under filial piety is that your children ultimately won’t listen to what you say; rather, they will watch what you do. So, if you want your children to obey you, WORK ON YOU.